Looking back over my long, checkered, and very colorful dating history, one thing stands out above all others:(And to any of my exes reading this: Yeah, #NotAllMen and not all exes, but, you know, you might want to take a look in the mirror…) From dudes who refused to admit that they were my boyfriends to the guy who left me stranded in Brooklyn at one in the morning to that one guy in college who was straight-up abusive, I look back and want to hug past me and say, “Girl, he is not worth it.” (Although let’s be real: Past me would probably not listen.)

I know, I know: It sounds like something you’d see on a cheesy inspirational Instagram.a lot and making mistakes when you’re young because otherwise how can you possibly figure out what you want? And, perhaps more importantly, what you don’t want.

From my very first boyfriend at age 12 (we played chess and held hands sometimes) to meeting my partner three years ago, I spent 13 years trying out different relationship models and learning exactly what was (and what wasn’t) going to fly for me. While I wouldn’t ever want to relive the crap that some of my exes put me through, I’m glad I lived it then. That history of ups and downs and more than one really bad relationship led me to a man who I’m still amazed to be with, every day; a man who I hope to spend a long time with; and a man who would never do any of these 11 things. But first, check out the latest episode of Bustle’s Sex and Relationships podcast “I Want It That Way”:

1. Insults

Whether it’s saying I looked ugly in a certain outfit or telling me I was a worthless slut, for wanting sex while we were both naked in his bed, there are plenty of insults from men who were supposed to at least like me if not love me in my past. This is number one on the list for a reason: I’m too good for that nonsense.

2. Flaking On Plans

One time, I made plans to come over to the house of the guy I was seeing, only to have him not answer the phone or my knocks at the door. It was very late at night, I’d spent $20 on a taxi, it was winter, and I had no way of getting into his apartment. Eventually his roommate heard my pounding and let me in to angrily wake up my Sleeping Beauty.

That was a particularly dramatic “flaking on plans” moment, but I don’t stand for men who think it’s OK to make a commitment and then not show or cancel last-minute. If you say you’re going to be there; be there. Otherwise, please let me show you to the door.

3. Talking Smack About My Family

My family is my heart. I have five brothers and one sister, and while I’ve been known to throw shade their way in my day, no one else has the right to say bad things about any of them. Now, I’m not saying that my partner has to pretend like he loves all of my big, loud, crazy family all of the time — that would be asking a lot. But directly insulting them? Trying to undermine my love for them? That’s what my abusive boyfriend in college did and I know now that it’s never OK.

4. Refusing To DTR

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Looking back over my long, checkered, and very colorful dating history, one thing stands out above all others:(And to any of my exes reading this: Yeah, #NotAllMen and not all exes, but, you know, you might want to take a look in the mirror…) From dudes who refused to...